Oddments and Tweaks
by Bill Gates Jr the 4th
Summary: Basically a mixture of weird stuff that you must have a sense of humor to read. Rated PG13 in hopes to attract more reviewers. At least I'm honest.


Oddments and Tweaks  
by Bill Gates Jr the 4th  
Rated PG-13 for animal breeding, oddness, meanness, and a sort-of cuss word. Also, who reads PG stories?  
  
A/N: This is not a "saga" or a love story--it's humor and please take it for what it is. Trying to make it serious could cause me quite a few flames.   
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, situations, or objects found in the Harry Potter series. They all belong to J. K. Rowling, not me...me...me. I don't own baby talk, I'm sure it traces back to cavewoman days. I don't own and have no connection with Walmart stores. I don't own and have to affiliation with the owners of THE FIDDLER ON THE ROOF, which is where I based my parody with the namer, Ralph, and Martha. I have no connections with the Barbie company, Batman, Spiderman, or the movie EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS. I also don't own the situation I stole from SLEEPING BEAUTY. I own some names, but that's basically it.  
  
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It was a happy day.  
  
In the Dumbledore household, a baby was born. It was quite an odd baby, since it was born with long, wet red hair and a beard taller than he was, but it was a baby all the same. The new mother picked up her sweety-poo, who giggled instead of screamed. "Him's the sweetest baby-waby ever!" she cooed.  
  
A few seconds later, the mother's hair turned purple. "Googy-goo!" the baby gurgled and started crying. "Ralph," the wife/mother scolded her husband, since nothing can cause more guilt or penance than repeating the evildoer's name. "I swear, Martha, I didn't do it." Martha's eyes turned back to her baby. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH, him's a smart one, hims is. Yes, you is, you is!"  
  
The doctor looked at the proud parents and smiled. "Wow. This little guy is the millionth baby I've delivered! And I'm still at the spry age of 500!" "Oh, Doctor Fwamel, how CAN we fank you enough-ee-wuffy???" Martha cooed. Remembering herself, she corrected her words, surprised at how much easier it was not to pay attention to specifics of the English language. "Oh, no problem, ma'am, all in a day's work, ma'am."   
  
The couple left with their child but, unbeknownst to them, Dr. Flamel twirled his lasso right onto two medicine bottles. Both toppled into the sink, where a convieniently located mixture already bubbled. "No!" he screamed. "How else can I take off my toe fungus!!!" It didn't matter because it was too late. The potion burst into flames, and his toes disintegrated. "Darn it, fifth set this week!" He pulled a cell phone out of his big white hat and pulled a frantic black rabbit off it, and he proceded to call his wife. "Honey? It's Nicky-poo. What? Oh that's horrible. Oh sugar, you look just as good without it! What? Of course you don't look fat! You always look beautiful! Really? Wow, I never knew the neighbor's kid did that! I'm sorry, sorry! I forgot again--but most of my socks are in pairs, aren't they? Well, anyway, Pernelle, I...what? Oh, the chicken is fine, yes, and mashed potatoes. I'll clean it on Saturday, dear, I promise, Pernelle...PERNELLE! Could you please stop by WalMart and get me another set of toes? Mine died again." Dr. Flamel held his ear, thinking about how much like a howler his wife much look now. "I know they're expensive, but honey, what do you want me to do? Well...well...I can't help it! What if I suceed in making another sorceror's stone, would you be okay with it then? Oh come on, I DID NOT lose the last one! I swear, Margo, my secretary stole it from me and thought it was a blood lollipop...of course, that was before we knew that she was a vampire, but...honey...honey...Pernelle!?! Ach! Forget it!" The Doctor angrily closed his cell phone.   
  
He didn't notice that in the sink, a shiny green rock was glittering...  
  
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"Lily, where's my tie? I'm going to be late!" "James, you don't need a tie! I already found your red nose for you, so just forget the tie!" "Lily, who can be a clown without a polka-dotted tie?" "You better be or else I'll change our baby to a girl." "A girl? Oh no Lily, anything but a girl! Alright! Alright! I'm going!"   
  
Sobbing, James Potter ran out of his mansion, Godric's Hollow. Well, it looked like a mansion on the outside, and that was what was important to Lily. It was her dream house. It was immaculately beautiful on the outside and small on the inside, which made it very easily organzied.   
  
"Beady? Beady!" Lily called. "Here I am, Mrs. Potter ma'am, here I am!" A house elf wearing a very prettily-embroidered pillowcase trotted up to Lily. "Beady, I want you to meet Barky. He is a dog, Beady. I would like for you to breed together to come up with a new type of dog. I have always dreamt of nothing more than having a big house that's little and a dog-selling empire in the muggle world. Having a husband that's a clown just completes my happiness."  
  
Beaky and Barky went at it while Lily went into the next room of her house. It was a small living room and it occupied only one other person: Lily's sister Petunia. "Petunia, my darling, do you like our house?" "Very showy, Lily dear. For which reason have you summoned me here?" "I need a favor from you, Petunia. I have a friend who is very lonely and sad..."-- "No way, Lily, I know where you're going with this."-- "...And he has taken a fancy to you from my pictures of you. I know you have Vernon ("No.") But please ("No."), please ("No."), PLEASE go watch movies with him tonight! He's becoming evil, and James and I are trying everything to make him stay good. You might be our only hope." Petunia rolled her eyes. "Who is he? I need a name, pictures, accomplishments, pedigree..you know I hate dating mudbloods." (Both girls turn and look directly at YOU, reader) "His name is Peter Pettigrew. He's blonde and a little bit overweight..." "Oh, Lils, you know that's how I like them!" "He was one of the four marauders at school, and they were the cleverest students of all. He is a pureblood stretching back for at least 6 generations. However, in the seventh one, his great-great-great-great-great-grandmother married a 1/8 muggle blood man, so he's not quite pure, but..." "Hey, pure enough for me. I'll do it for you this time, dear sister." "Hey, thanks, Petunia." "Bye now." "You come back now, ya hear?"  
  
Lily grinned happily and her grin sped off her face and went to the mirror, where it proceded to try and turn into a straight line. Lily, mouthless, went into James's and her room and laid on the bed. Three whoopy-cushions went off, and her left foot was electrically buzzed by the buzzer James had forgotten to put in his hand. "James, James, James. How will you ever make the kids laugh without your whoopy cushions?" Her grin was still in front of the mirror. It finally suceeded in turning itself from a U into a --, but two of its teeth broke in the process. Sighing, Lily cried, "Dens rectus!" Her mouth popped back into its socket and, as an aftereffect of the spell, she tasted fluoride filling for the rest of the hour.   
  
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"Oh, Ralph, what shall we name him?" "Martha, I don't know! We must go get a NAMER to name him for us!" "Oh honey! Grrrrrrrrreat idea!" Martha skipped off to the namer's office. Ralph glanced around him twice and began to speak to his new son. "Between you and me, boy, I think I shall name you Albus. Albus...now there's a name you can be proud of. No little boys in elementary school can tease an Albus about his rock-solid name. Albus is a good, strong name, son, and that is just what you shall be called." Martha returned with the Namer, who sang:  
  
"OOOOOOOOH, 'tis quite clear, clear to me  
That what'ere, this boy might be  
His name must be nice and sweet  
So that whenever he does tweet  
His song shall be from the heart--  
Let's see now, I name you Zart...Zart....ZART!"  
  
"Zart, your namelessness?" "Yes, Zart, means sweetly in German," she grunted and moaned in pain as her rheumatism acted up again. "I must soon find someone to take my place. But how else would children be named if not for me?" Ralph spoke up, in song:   
  
"Well, call me silly, call me a flea  
But it very well seems to me  
That parents should their own children name...  
Wouldn't that be a fun game?"  
  
Enraged, the namer replied:  
  
"You stupid, silly, little flea  
You have no respect for respectless me!  
This you must know, it's a fact  
That's how we always act!"  
  
She took a breath and bellowed,  
  
"TRADITION!  
TRADITION!  
We all must follow by the ruuules of   
TRADITION! TRADITION!"  
  
Ralph countered:  
  
"How about a comproooomise?  
Since you think you are so wise,   
You name his middle name  
I'll name his last  
You supply his future  
I'll remember his passssssssssttttt!"  
  
Then the namer thought and cried,  
  
"Okay."  
  
Happily, the namer who was nameless, Ralph, and Martha christened their newborn boy Albus Zart Dumbledore.  
  
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Five years later, little Albus was in a muggle elementary school that had many a future witch or wizard. It was recess, but little Albus wasn't very happy about that--the big bullies from the second grade were coming towards him to pin him on a brick wall.   
  
"Hey, Al-bus," one of the boys sneered. "Where's your mommy?"   
  
Whew. Albus was relieved. He knew the answer to that question. "She is at home cooking salami for my dog to eat and preparing the dogfood for my dad's and my dinner! She's also reading the newspaper and listening to the radio."  
  
The older boys blinked. Then the ringleader, a cutie-pie eight-year-old scoffed at Albus. "I bet you wish you were there now, huh, Al-bus." The kids started chanting Albus's name and making piggy faces at him. Albus smiled and replied, "Actually, I do. Sometimes, if I'm a really good boy, my mom will throw little pieces of salami on the floor for me to eat!"   
  
"Al-bus Al-bus Al-bus..." the eight-year-old continued. "Marvolo Marvolo Marvolo," Albus commented agreeably. Marvolo punched him hard in the face. "Don't you dare make fun of my name! Piggy-butt! Someday, I'm going to come and hunt down all your friends and family and I'm going to hurt them really, really bad!" Albus was puzzled. "Well that's not very nice, Marvolo." "Well, guess what Al-butt. It wudn't supposed to be."  
  
The boys left. Albus giggled when the lot of them turned blue-haired and pink-skinned. Then he went back to petting a big red birdie he'd found and befriended. It had given him a feather from its tail, and he had wrapped it around a stick that was covered in goldeny stuff. He poked a spider with it and started screaming. The spider grew to 100 times its normal size. "AAAAAAAH!" Albus screamed. "EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS!"  
  
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"Petunia?"  
  
Peter was looking for that gorgeous blonde supermodel of a Lily's sister that he had spent the night watching movies with last night. "Petunia?" "Pete?" Her feminine voice called, eagerly. "Petunia!" Peter hugged Petunia and they sat down on a sofa. Blushing, Peter brandished a grey stuffed rat with soft fur and a pink bow behind its ears. "I got this for you," he bashfully admitted. "Gee, Pete, you shouldn't have." Petunia valiantly hugged it and began to cry. "Petunia? What's wrong??" Peter patted her on the back and ignored the burp that erupted from her throat. He patted her on the head and she farted. He patted her on the butt and she automatically did an armpit fart. "Wow," he whispered. "Do these come in Barbie dolls?"   
  
"Oh Pete, I've been a monster, an absolute monster! I went out with you last night because Lily wanted me to, so you wouldn't become evil or something. I never took into account your feelings...and I really like you, too much to decieve you any longer, but...I'm married! I'm a married woman...well...I'm not ready to make the other admission about the woman part." Peter was stunned. "You...don't...love...me?" "Oh Peter, I'm so sorry!" She began to bawl, tears spraying out in every direction. Peter absentmindedly raised her face until she was looking straight up. It created a neat kind of fountain effect. Peter reached into his pocket to see if he had any change to toss in the fountain and make a wish, but he didn't. Oh right...he had just had his heart broken. Duh Peter. "Your words can not heal what you have done to my heart. From now on, I curse you: you shall eternally hate Lily and you shall have a fat son that will die of a heart attack by the age of 21 when he pricks his finger on a spinning wheel! Commencus totalus!" Peter disapparated and Petunia was left on the sofa, crying.  
  
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"It can't be!" Dr. Flamel polished his glasses on his shirt, found out that he had made them more smudged, took out some eyeglass-cleaner fluid, and formally cleaned his glasses. Finally he reverted to magic. Then he gazed at his creation in the sink. "The Anti-Sorceror's Stone?" Then he looked at YOU, reader, and gasped, "But I'm not a sorceror! I'm a philosopher!" He turned his head back to the sink and muttered a quick, "Oh well." He hauled the stone over to the convienient hospital library next door.  
  
After twelve hours of intensive research, Dr. Flamel discovered the powers of the A. S. S. It made whatever metal it touched invincible and unable to be eroded or rusted in anyway forever, and it turned all things it touched that were gold into humans. If the metal it touched was gold, it would produce a superhero. Thus, all the batmen and spidermen and other specialmen were born of this stone. "Oh my goodness. I realize the great danger this stone presents and I must destroy it. But how?"  
  
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Little Albus was sitting out on the playground during the rest of recess. He had just disapparated the spider to somewhere in America...anyway, a man came out of the bushes and produced a green stone. "Hello Professor Dumbledore. I was wondering if you would take this into your custody immediately." "Of course, Professor Little Old Man. Green is my favoritest color." "Thank you most sincerely, Albus." "Bye bye old person!"   
  
"Fare thee well!" shouted Flamel, and his words died away in the wind.   
  
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A/N  
  
Have a sense of humor, guys! Everyone needs to indulge their oddities every once in a while! I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did writing it. There are quite a few allusions present in this story, good luck to finding them all. There are a lot of subtle jokes. Hopefully I haven't left anything out in the disclaimer at the start of this.   
  
Review..... 


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